A Letter to Michael Bay

That's why they pay you the big bucks.

Dear Mike,

But of course...

I haven’t a clue where to begin, so here I go. You are everything that is wrong with films these days. I recently “watched” the third Transformers movie; and by “watched”, I mean grudgingly sat through the first hour and a half only to realize there was a whole hour left of this hot, bloated garbage. That was when I looked around and saw several people napping, including some people that were in my party. I woke them up and saved us all an extra hour of our lives. You lost me at the protagonist’s introductory scene due to your visual molestation of that starlet he’s dating in the movie (notice how I’m not calling it a film?). It’s funny how you trade out these interchangeable actresses the moment they become difficult; but it does serve a purpose, you show how expendable these so-called “actresses” really are. That is just about the only purpose your pubescent film-making has on society. In a nutshell, you are a pervert with a big budget and you ruined a childhood legacy for not only me, but probably tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of big kids out there as well. Perhaps instead of blowing your entire budget on CGI and explosions, maybe hire some better writers and give substance to the story when the robots aren’t fighting rather than simply throwing in gratuitous sex-appeal and PG-13 swearing. I understand that these films are product placement goldmines; and should be treated as such, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt in hopes that you might want to redeem yourself for the last two atrocities…FAIL. This is the very last time you get my hard earned money you dick.

Seriously!?,

An Unhappy Camper
(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Chip McAuley

Dear Chipster,

May the beard be with you...

I call you that because that’s the name I’ve been using in my head the whole time when referring to you. Not that you’re in my head a whole lot. Because that would be gay… for the record, I’m not gay for Chip McAuley. But if I were gay, I’d totally be into you man. What’s not to like? You’re an educated educator who doesn’t condescend to his class though you have the clout to tout your aptitude. Not to mention your keen interest/knowledge of comics, despite being a DC comic guy. You have inspired me not only to take my writing to the next level, but to take it off the deep end with me. A priceless lesson from a wise man makes it all the more valuable. Needless to say, you are a great service to academia; and many more students can and will benefit from your instruction years down the line. Having a teacher who’s more into H.S.T. than me is more than worthy of a little praise. You have taste, class, brains, and braun. Aw hell, I guess I’M TOTALLY GAY FOR CHIP MCAULEY. You rock my world man; your class was one I almost always attended because of my sheer interest for writing. In a time where I had some major writer’s fatigue, there you were; the Taye Diggs to my Angela Basset like in How Stella Got Her Groove Back, sans the steaminess. I would personally like to thank you sincerely for an amazing semester where I learned a lot about myself and my writing style, but mainly about my deep-seated homosexuality.

Kindest Regards,

The Devil’s Advocate

(F.C. Zamani)

A letter to Glenn Beck

Hello again Glenn,

I'm talking like...40x mor chalkboards

I heard you’re leaving your cushy program on Fox News to venture upward to the next level. Let me be the first to wish you luck on this bold journey. Quite ballsy I must say. I get that you want move out papa Murdoch’s house, but it defeats the purpose if he’s still paying your rent. Have you taken big-brother O’Reilly’s feelings into consideration? Probably not, but he’s used to doing the legwork of the house while you continue this futile feud with those boys over at Comedy Central. Time to face the facts; you’re not on their level. When you try to be funny, though some may get it, you come off as crazy. I hate to be the one to have to tell you, but I’m only looking out for you. Before I took the time to actually watch your show, I wanted to know where you got your drugs from. I understand that’s a touchy subject for you, given your previous battle with addiction. I also respect you for being on top of that instead of letting it go untreated like Limbaugh.

Knock it off or I'll give you something to cry about.

Back to the point, what do you want to do with your new “independent” project? I hope it’s more chalkboards, and less crying. I am legitimately excited to see how you perform, as I am also sure many people will want to see you fail. I personally couldn’t care either way, but if I were in your shoes, I would use that as an incentive to spite those that bet against you.

Give ‘em hell kid,

Your neighbor (F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Sean Penn (Bro-tastic Edition)

Dear Sean,

Only you man. Only you could be the suave sonofabitch that swooped up Scarlett Johansson on the rebound! Her and Ryan Reynolds split last December bro! That’s cold-blooded dawg. But hey, fair game is fair game and you bagged the fairest maiden around. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same if I were in your shoes.

Think about it homie, not many dudes can upstage Ryan Reynolds’ game(or  charm for that matter); but somehow you managed to weasel your way in. I gotta give props where it’s due, mad props. I haven’t seen such sweet cradle-robbin’ since Mike Douglas and Catherine Zeta.

They say never go "full-retard", but who's laughing now?

I totally get it dude, you two just made it official recently and you’re shamelessly peacocking hard while showing the world that your junk still functions. From what my boys tell me, the general rule of dating, age-wise goes as follows: X= your age, Y = their age, ½ (X) +7=Y. If my math is correct, you’re fifty, and she is 26; so… yeah. But look, I’m not judging, it’s not like she’s a minor and you’re R-Kelly or anything. Although, I guess you could say I’m a little butt-hurt about it. You snagged my dream girl bro, not cool. If she traded up for an older dude, what hope does a schmuck like me have?

Heck, I’d love to be the “refined” older guy someday; but I’m far too impatient for that noise. As far as I can tell, you got your ducks in a row and lovin’ life. Who am I to hate on that? If anything, you deserve the academy award for most ballin’, blingin’, big-dick swingin’ cat in the game!

Play on Playa,

Ya Boy

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Christopher Walken

Dear Mr. Walken,

Young and dapper

I would like to start by wishing you a happy birthday! I recently watched The Deer Hunter for the first time and let me just say… I can see why you won an Oscar for that particular role. You’re résumé is quite impressive, sir. With more than 100 films under your belt, I would consider you one of the most (if not the most) hardworking actors in the game. At 68 years-old, I could only hope to have a smidgen of your momentum. I’m impressed that you haven’t slowed down, that demonstrates your true love for acting. I can appreciate the fact that you don’t limit yourself very much in terms of choosing outlets.





You have no trouble being a wise guy, a funny man, military personnel, or anything else thrown your way. My real admiration for you began when I saw you on SNL as Colonel Angus returning from the war. I like to think I’m good at celebrity impressions, but your speech pattern is so unique that I can’t come close. I would pay good money to hear you narrate an encyclopedia.

I would also go as far to say that if I end up writing a book, I would like to hire you for the audio book narration if you’re not busy. For an aged gentleman, I noticed in the Fatboy Slim music video you’re still quite spry, and you got some groovy dance moves to boot. Mr. Walken, for your birthday I hope you get all the cowbell your heart desires. Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll outlive Charlie Sheen and the rest of the riffraff.

Focused and refined

Take Care,

Your Eye on the Street

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Charlie Sheen (Redux)

The Warlock also known as Sheen

Dear Charlie,

            You son of a bitch! You had a briefcase full of cocaine and you didn’t bother calling me? Shit, I’m glad you got caught. After all the shit I’ve done for you, I’m still somehow left out. Do you know the extent of how hard it is to get “goddess” blood off a car seat? Obviously not. From here on out, don’t call me in the middle of the night to be bailed out of whatever jam you’re in. Oh, and remember when you were bitching about your career moving to television? I’m the one who told you this role was made for you, then all you had to do was show up and POW! Now you have more money than you know what to do with; which I suppose isn’t the best thing, seeing how you’re shitting all over Los Angeles a complete lack of disregard for those around you. Kicking it with pornstars was such a 90’s thing man! Show some class! Emilio won’t even return your phone calls he’s so ashamed.

You look how I feel

     Nobody’s fooled with your recent at-home rehab; we all know it’s just a formality but you could at least pretend to take it seriously, you are an ACTOR after all. So Mr. Moneybags, what’s your next move? Seeing how you got canned from the show, I imagine you can retire to some island where they fly in prostitutes for you; we all know you have the cash for it. But no, you’re going on some tour, charging $60 a ticket to hear you ramble on. Back in the day you had to pay people to hear you ramble on one of your coke binges, and you’d typically supply the chalk. You broke my trust; all I wanted was to do was kick it and do some blow with you, like we used to. You need me whenever you’re in a bind, but when everything’s peachy I get no call from you. You’re being an inconsiderate prick, and I can’t hang out with you anymore; mainly because my real friends say you’re a bad influence. You’re flying off the handle and I enjoy watching it.

Bite me,

A Disgruntled Friend

A Letter to Julian Casablancas

Dear Jules,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you that. This letter is in regard to your new album that released today. I would like to begin by congratulating you and The Strokes on a marvelous job this time around. I had to give Angles two listens front-to-back, and I figured the name of the album has to do with the “democratic” approach you guys took with this piece of work. The music video for Undercover of Darkness upped my respect for you. It really shows you can be the bigger man and laugh at yourself, which I can appreciate on a personal level. But you’re no novice when it comes to flexing your funny bone; your collaboration with Andy Samberg of Saturday Night Live during The Strokes’ hiatus could be treated as a legitimate song because of you. When The Strokes split, the world didn’t stop spinning for you; despite the massive number of hearts broken. Your solo stuff was fun, but it wasn’t The Strokes; if anything, it’s what carried most of us until Angles released. All praise aside, the way in which this album was produced was totally fucked. I know you wanted to distance yourself from your band-mates, but to record your parts in a separate studio was absurd, to say the least. You're one of the last crooners and quite possibly my favorite, but with all due respect, get your head outta your ass! This isn’t how bands should communicate, regardless if you were trying to make a point to them or to us. You’re a father now, is this how you’re going to teach your son to deal with his problems? Please, for the sake of the music; play nice. No one wants The Strokes together if they can’t work together effectively. I’d say that this album is an anomaly because it came out so well. Consider this a plea from one guy who appreciates the work you produce.

Respectfully,

Torn (F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Ed O'Neill

Dear Ed,

My sentiments exactly

Allow me to demonstrate how much I truly appreciate your contributions to the acting community. Sir, you single-handedly revolutionized the stereotypical lower-middle class domicile. Your role as Al Bundy on the hit show Married… With Children will forever embed my brain with the ideal role model of the man’s man. The fact that they still air the show just expresses how influential your role really was. I am mainly writing to you to show my true gratitude and appreciation for your commitment to the TV sitcom. You stood up for men in a time when the “breadwinner” role was undermined as well as expected from the man of the house. From my perspective, the “Al Bundy” character was a direct embodiment of Rodney Dangerfield’s entire comedic repertoire, you got NO respect! The fact that you worked so hard and had the chance to leave your malevolent family for greener pastures only furthers my case. When the show finally ended (as all good things do), you fell under the radar for approximately twelve years with only minor roles to show for it. But then, when I thought you were out of the spotlight for good, BAM! Your career was suddenly resurrected like the ghost of TuPac. Accepting the role as the patriarch of the hit show Modern Family was by far one of the best career moves you could have made. I absolutely know this was made for you because in contrast to your role as Al Bundy; you became Jay Pritchett, a successful near-retiree with a gorgeous younger wife. Basically you got everything Al could have asked for. Knowing that it comes wit the stipulation of your new wife’s son Manny, keeps my interest going. I wish you the best of your current endeavors; and I hope Modern Family gets signed for eight more seasons, simply because I enjoy your style so fervently.

At long last...

Enjoy Yourself,

The Armchair Quarterback

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,

Really Kim?

I would like to commend your courage. I’m sorry, did I say courage? I meant to say ignorance. I guess that’s what you can come to expect when your entire list of accomplishments can be seen in the first paragraph of your Wikipedia page. The term “socialite” can be applied to anyone. Hell, I’m going to consider myself a socialite and see if I can have a “reality” TV show. Wait, you actually are famous for some reason…right? Oh, you also had a sex tape; which also can be applied to anyone with a nice figure and daddy issues. These are not valid reasons for the level of media attention you have been receiving. How you happened to have a reality show for several years is simply beyond me. The fact that it’s classified as “reality” just shows how fucked in the head we are as a society; your reality is a false one and I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

Fame. Redefined.

 I heard your new song on Youtube, and I must say you are brave. Brave in the sense that you’re getting older and starting to realize that looks can fade, so you want to secure your future by venturing to new outlets. My advice, keep moving and find another outlet because music is not your strong suit. Your faux modeling career will soon be over and you couldn’t quite make it in films either; so by my calculations, you should be on the same level as Kevin Federline in a matter of years. Please start making some wise investments and stop fooling yourself by banking on your looks and/or ill-gotten fame. It’s for your own good, darling.

Sincerely,

That Voice in Your Head

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Natalie Portman (Creep Edition)

Dearest Natalie,

First and foremost, congratulations on winning the Oscar. I guess all those death threats I sent to the academy paid off. I know it’s been a super-busy year for you and you’re probably tired of hearing from me, restraining orders say more than you ever had to. I just wanted to get this off my chest once and for all, I love you Natalie. Your beauty captivates me and you’re everything a man would ever look for in a woman. You're an animal rights activist, a Harvard graduate and an amazing actress. Now you can add “academy award winner” to that list. Aside from my “persuasion” to the academy, you totally deserve the Oscar. You are one of the hardest working women in the industry; your commitment to such roles as V for Vendetta, where you actually shaved your head for the part. You never cease to amaze me Natalie, which makes your current affairs even harder to bear. Word on the street is that you’re soon to be married and are already with child, and it burns my insides with such intensity. So much of me wants you to be happy; which I’m sure you are, but that other part of me says that you’ll only be happy with me. The few friends that I have often tell me I’m delusional, and they’re partially correct. I am honestly trying with all of my being to let go of this fantasy, and I know it’s not an overnight process. I wish I could avoid seeing you on the screen, but that’s impossible. For now, I’m going to ease up on my “obsession” with you and try to live what “normal” life I can. Despite being pregnant and engaged, I want you to keep my number in your back pocket, just in case…

Love (from a distance),

Superfan (F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Alec Baldwin

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

This letter is in regard to one of your greatest achievements yet, not necessarily your most recent but definitely one of your best. You sir, have one of the best track records when it comes to comebacks. No one in Hollywood bounces back harder and stronger than you Mr. Baldwin, and the jury’s still out on Robert Downey Jr. You inspire me; mainly because in light of recent events, I feel I’m well overdue for a comeback. You dealt with a messy divorce; the word “messy” could be seen as an understatement. Not too long after that, you lost your cool on your daughter in the form of a voicemail. I get it, kids can be a pain in the ass. Being a single dad is tough, and I heard that voicemail; I could sense that you had reached your boiling point.

 My point being that despite all the bad publicity, you didn’t let it faze you, and you went on to continue winning Emmys. We could all hope to demonstrate such perseverance. The coolest part about that situation is that you called the network’s bluff and offered to resign; nice power-play. I greatly admire your character on 30 Rock, mainly because there’s so much of your personality fueling it. With all due respect, I appreciate you much more on television than I ever did in film. It might be a generational difference, but I honestly enjoy your humorous side immensely. You tied Steve Martin for the most times hosting Saturday Night Live, that kind of credibility is incalculable. I would love to have a glass of scotch with you someday; but until then I’ll just keep on planning my next comeback. I’m going to need a page out of the Alec Baldwin Handbook (not from the parenting section though) and follow through with the same valor. All hail the Comeback King!

Sincerely,

The Comeback Kid (F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to The White Stripes

Dear Meg and Jack,

It pains me to hear that The White Stripes have decided to cease making music and performing live. When I heard this news, it reminded me of being an adolescent and hearing "Fell in Love With a Girl" on the radio and I instantly became a fan. For years I had tried to see the two of you perform live, but it was never in the stars.



It was hard to believe that such a strong force came from two people while other groups with twice as many people could never even come close. The two of you brought a new image of Detroit in a time when sounds of Eminem and Insane Clown Posse were flooding that area. You showed the world that Detroit can get gritty and proved that white people can sing the blues. In a way, the two of you inspired me to venture outside the conventional practices and seek out whatever outlet I wanted. I ultimately respect your reasoning behind disbanding. and I totally understand how you would want to preserve what beautiful music you have already made. But I beg of you, please DO NOT stop making music! It's okay that the Stripes are defunct, but we have seen such beauties as The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather and it would be a shame if you kept the world from hearing your true talents. I would honestly like to thank you for being a large part of my formative years of my adolescence, simply because I felt like a badass regardless of what I was doing while listening to The White Stripes. I would be blasting "Jumble, Jumble" in my high school parking lot while the other kids would bump 50 Cent. The two of you revived the blues and garage rock for an entire generation, which is deserving of much praise. Good work and the best of luck in all of your future projects.

Godspeed and Thanks for the Memories,

F.C. Zamani