A Letter to Charlie Sheen (Redux)

The Warlock also known as Sheen

Dear Charlie,

            You son of a bitch! You had a briefcase full of cocaine and you didn’t bother calling me? Shit, I’m glad you got caught. After all the shit I’ve done for you, I’m still somehow left out. Do you know the extent of how hard it is to get “goddess” blood off a car seat? Obviously not. From here on out, don’t call me in the middle of the night to be bailed out of whatever jam you’re in. Oh, and remember when you were bitching about your career moving to television? I’m the one who told you this role was made for you, then all you had to do was show up and POW! Now you have more money than you know what to do with; which I suppose isn’t the best thing, seeing how you’re shitting all over Los Angeles a complete lack of disregard for those around you. Kicking it with pornstars was such a 90’s thing man! Show some class! Emilio won’t even return your phone calls he’s so ashamed.

You look how I feel

     Nobody’s fooled with your recent at-home rehab; we all know it’s just a formality but you could at least pretend to take it seriously, you are an ACTOR after all. So Mr. Moneybags, what’s your next move? Seeing how you got canned from the show, I imagine you can retire to some island where they fly in prostitutes for you; we all know you have the cash for it. But no, you’re going on some tour, charging $60 a ticket to hear you ramble on. Back in the day you had to pay people to hear you ramble on one of your coke binges, and you’d typically supply the chalk. You broke my trust; all I wanted was to do was kick it and do some blow with you, like we used to. You need me whenever you’re in a bind, but when everything’s peachy I get no call from you. You’re being an inconsiderate prick, and I can’t hang out with you anymore; mainly because my real friends say you’re a bad influence. You’re flying off the handle and I enjoy watching it.

Bite me,

A Disgruntled Friend