A Letter to Sean Penn (Bro-tastic Edition)

Dear Sean,

Only you man. Only you could be the suave sonofabitch that swooped up Scarlett Johansson on the rebound! Her and Ryan Reynolds split last December bro! That’s cold-blooded dawg. But hey, fair game is fair game and you bagged the fairest maiden around. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same if I were in your shoes.

Think about it homie, not many dudes can upstage Ryan Reynolds’ game(or  charm for that matter); but somehow you managed to weasel your way in. I gotta give props where it’s due, mad props. I haven’t seen such sweet cradle-robbin’ since Mike Douglas and Catherine Zeta.

They say never go "full-retard", but who's laughing now?

I totally get it dude, you two just made it official recently and you’re shamelessly peacocking hard while showing the world that your junk still functions. From what my boys tell me, the general rule of dating, age-wise goes as follows: X= your age, Y = their age, ½ (X) +7=Y. If my math is correct, you’re fifty, and she is 26; so… yeah. But look, I’m not judging, it’s not like she’s a minor and you’re R-Kelly or anything. Although, I guess you could say I’m a little butt-hurt about it. You snagged my dream girl bro, not cool. If she traded up for an older dude, what hope does a schmuck like me have?

Heck, I’d love to be the “refined” older guy someday; but I’m far too impatient for that noise. As far as I can tell, you got your ducks in a row and lovin’ life. Who am I to hate on that? If anything, you deserve the academy award for most ballin’, blingin’, big-dick swingin’ cat in the game!

Play on Playa,

Ya Boy

(F.C. Zamani)