A Letter to Ed O'Neill

Dear Ed,

My sentiments exactly

Allow me to demonstrate how much I truly appreciate your contributions to the acting community. Sir, you single-handedly revolutionized the stereotypical lower-middle class domicile. Your role as Al Bundy on the hit show Married… With Children will forever embed my brain with the ideal role model of the man’s man. The fact that they still air the show just expresses how influential your role really was. I am mainly writing to you to show my true gratitude and appreciation for your commitment to the TV sitcom. You stood up for men in a time when the “breadwinner” role was undermined as well as expected from the man of the house. From my perspective, the “Al Bundy” character was a direct embodiment of Rodney Dangerfield’s entire comedic repertoire, you got NO respect! The fact that you worked so hard and had the chance to leave your malevolent family for greener pastures only furthers my case. When the show finally ended (as all good things do), you fell under the radar for approximately twelve years with only minor roles to show for it. But then, when I thought you were out of the spotlight for good, BAM! Your career was suddenly resurrected like the ghost of TuPac. Accepting the role as the patriarch of the hit show Modern Family was by far one of the best career moves you could have made. I absolutely know this was made for you because in contrast to your role as Al Bundy; you became Jay Pritchett, a successful near-retiree with a gorgeous younger wife. Basically you got everything Al could have asked for. Knowing that it comes wit the stipulation of your new wife’s son Manny, keeps my interest going. I wish you the best of your current endeavors; and I hope Modern Family gets signed for eight more seasons, simply because I enjoy your style so fervently.

At long last...

Enjoy Yourself,

The Armchair Quarterback

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,

Really Kim?

I would like to commend your courage. I’m sorry, did I say courage? I meant to say ignorance. I guess that’s what you can come to expect when your entire list of accomplishments can be seen in the first paragraph of your Wikipedia page. The term “socialite” can be applied to anyone. Hell, I’m going to consider myself a socialite and see if I can have a “reality” TV show. Wait, you actually are famous for some reason…right? Oh, you also had a sex tape; which also can be applied to anyone with a nice figure and daddy issues. These are not valid reasons for the level of media attention you have been receiving. How you happened to have a reality show for several years is simply beyond me. The fact that it’s classified as “reality” just shows how fucked in the head we are as a society; your reality is a false one and I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

Fame. Redefined.

 I heard your new song on Youtube, and I must say you are brave. Brave in the sense that you’re getting older and starting to realize that looks can fade, so you want to secure your future by venturing to new outlets. My advice, keep moving and find another outlet because music is not your strong suit. Your faux modeling career will soon be over and you couldn’t quite make it in films either; so by my calculations, you should be on the same level as Kevin Federline in a matter of years. Please start making some wise investments and stop fooling yourself by banking on your looks and/or ill-gotten fame. It’s for your own good, darling.

Sincerely,

That Voice in Your Head

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Natalie Portman (Creep Edition)

Dearest Natalie,

First and foremost, congratulations on winning the Oscar. I guess all those death threats I sent to the academy paid off. I know it’s been a super-busy year for you and you’re probably tired of hearing from me, restraining orders say more than you ever had to. I just wanted to get this off my chest once and for all, I love you Natalie. Your beauty captivates me and you’re everything a man would ever look for in a woman. You're an animal rights activist, a Harvard graduate and an amazing actress. Now you can add “academy award winner” to that list. Aside from my “persuasion” to the academy, you totally deserve the Oscar. You are one of the hardest working women in the industry; your commitment to such roles as V for Vendetta, where you actually shaved your head for the part. You never cease to amaze me Natalie, which makes your current affairs even harder to bear. Word on the street is that you’re soon to be married and are already with child, and it burns my insides with such intensity. So much of me wants you to be happy; which I’m sure you are, but that other part of me says that you’ll only be happy with me. The few friends that I have often tell me I’m delusional, and they’re partially correct. I am honestly trying with all of my being to let go of this fantasy, and I know it’s not an overnight process. I wish I could avoid seeing you on the screen, but that’s impossible. For now, I’m going to ease up on my “obsession” with you and try to live what “normal” life I can. Despite being pregnant and engaged, I want you to keep my number in your back pocket, just in case…

Love (from a distance),

Superfan (F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Alec Baldwin

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

This letter is in regard to one of your greatest achievements yet, not necessarily your most recent but definitely one of your best. You sir, have one of the best track records when it comes to comebacks. No one in Hollywood bounces back harder and stronger than you Mr. Baldwin, and the jury’s still out on Robert Downey Jr. You inspire me; mainly because in light of recent events, I feel I’m well overdue for a comeback. You dealt with a messy divorce; the word “messy” could be seen as an understatement. Not too long after that, you lost your cool on your daughter in the form of a voicemail. I get it, kids can be a pain in the ass. Being a single dad is tough, and I heard that voicemail; I could sense that you had reached your boiling point.

 My point being that despite all the bad publicity, you didn’t let it faze you, and you went on to continue winning Emmys. We could all hope to demonstrate such perseverance. The coolest part about that situation is that you called the network’s bluff and offered to resign; nice power-play. I greatly admire your character on 30 Rock, mainly because there’s so much of your personality fueling it. With all due respect, I appreciate you much more on television than I ever did in film. It might be a generational difference, but I honestly enjoy your humorous side immensely. You tied Steve Martin for the most times hosting Saturday Night Live, that kind of credibility is incalculable. I would love to have a glass of scotch with you someday; but until then I’ll just keep on planning my next comeback. I’m going to need a page out of the Alec Baldwin Handbook (not from the parenting section though) and follow through with the same valor. All hail the Comeback King!

Sincerely,

The Comeback Kid (F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to The White Stripes

Dear Meg and Jack,

It pains me to hear that The White Stripes have decided to cease making music and performing live. When I heard this news, it reminded me of being an adolescent and hearing "Fell in Love With a Girl" on the radio and I instantly became a fan. For years I had tried to see the two of you perform live, but it was never in the stars.



It was hard to believe that such a strong force came from two people while other groups with twice as many people could never even come close. The two of you brought a new image of Detroit in a time when sounds of Eminem and Insane Clown Posse were flooding that area. You showed the world that Detroit can get gritty and proved that white people can sing the blues. In a way, the two of you inspired me to venture outside the conventional practices and seek out whatever outlet I wanted. I ultimately respect your reasoning behind disbanding. and I totally understand how you would want to preserve what beautiful music you have already made. But I beg of you, please DO NOT stop making music! It's okay that the Stripes are defunct, but we have seen such beauties as The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather and it would be a shame if you kept the world from hearing your true talents. I would honestly like to thank you for being a large part of my formative years of my adolescence, simply because I felt like a badass regardless of what I was doing while listening to The White Stripes. I would be blasting "Jumble, Jumble" in my high school parking lot while the other kids would bump 50 Cent. The two of you revived the blues and garage rock for an entire generation, which is deserving of much praise. Good work and the best of luck in all of your future projects.

Godspeed and Thanks for the Memories,

F.C. Zamani