A Letter to Julian Casablancas

Dear Jules,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you that. This letter is in regard to your new album that released today. I would like to begin by congratulating you and The Strokes on a marvelous job this time around. I had to give Angles two listens front-to-back, and I figured the name of the album has to do with the “democratic” approach you guys took with this piece of work. The music video for Undercover of Darkness upped my respect for you. It really shows you can be the bigger man and laugh at yourself, which I can appreciate on a personal level. But you’re no novice when it comes to flexing your funny bone; your collaboration with Andy Samberg of Saturday Night Live during The Strokes’ hiatus could be treated as a legitimate song because of you. When The Strokes split, the world didn’t stop spinning for you; despite the massive number of hearts broken. Your solo stuff was fun, but it wasn’t The Strokes; if anything, it’s what carried most of us until Angles released. All praise aside, the way in which this album was produced was totally fucked. I know you wanted to distance yourself from your band-mates, but to record your parts in a separate studio was absurd, to say the least. You're one of the last crooners and quite possibly my favorite, but with all due respect, get your head outta your ass! This isn’t how bands should communicate, regardless if you were trying to make a point to them or to us. You’re a father now, is this how you’re going to teach your son to deal with his problems? Please, for the sake of the music; play nice. No one wants The Strokes together if they can’t work together effectively. I’d say that this album is an anomaly because it came out so well. Consider this a plea from one guy who appreciates the work you produce.

Respectfully,

Torn (F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Ed O'Neill

Dear Ed,

My sentiments exactly

Allow me to demonstrate how much I truly appreciate your contributions to the acting community. Sir, you single-handedly revolutionized the stereotypical lower-middle class domicile. Your role as Al Bundy on the hit show Married… With Children will forever embed my brain with the ideal role model of the man’s man. The fact that they still air the show just expresses how influential your role really was. I am mainly writing to you to show my true gratitude and appreciation for your commitment to the TV sitcom. You stood up for men in a time when the “breadwinner” role was undermined as well as expected from the man of the house. From my perspective, the “Al Bundy” character was a direct embodiment of Rodney Dangerfield’s entire comedic repertoire, you got NO respect! The fact that you worked so hard and had the chance to leave your malevolent family for greener pastures only furthers my case. When the show finally ended (as all good things do), you fell under the radar for approximately twelve years with only minor roles to show for it. But then, when I thought you were out of the spotlight for good, BAM! Your career was suddenly resurrected like the ghost of TuPac. Accepting the role as the patriarch of the hit show Modern Family was by far one of the best career moves you could have made. I absolutely know this was made for you because in contrast to your role as Al Bundy; you became Jay Pritchett, a successful near-retiree with a gorgeous younger wife. Basically you got everything Al could have asked for. Knowing that it comes wit the stipulation of your new wife’s son Manny, keeps my interest going. I wish you the best of your current endeavors; and I hope Modern Family gets signed for eight more seasons, simply because I enjoy your style so fervently.

At long last...

Enjoy Yourself,

The Armchair Quarterback

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,

Really Kim?

I would like to commend your courage. I’m sorry, did I say courage? I meant to say ignorance. I guess that’s what you can come to expect when your entire list of accomplishments can be seen in the first paragraph of your Wikipedia page. The term “socialite” can be applied to anyone. Hell, I’m going to consider myself a socialite and see if I can have a “reality” TV show. Wait, you actually are famous for some reason…right? Oh, you also had a sex tape; which also can be applied to anyone with a nice figure and daddy issues. These are not valid reasons for the level of media attention you have been receiving. How you happened to have a reality show for several years is simply beyond me. The fact that it’s classified as “reality” just shows how fucked in the head we are as a society; your reality is a false one and I mean that with the utmost sincerity.

Fame. Redefined.

 I heard your new song on Youtube, and I must say you are brave. Brave in the sense that you’re getting older and starting to realize that looks can fade, so you want to secure your future by venturing to new outlets. My advice, keep moving and find another outlet because music is not your strong suit. Your faux modeling career will soon be over and you couldn’t quite make it in films either; so by my calculations, you should be on the same level as Kevin Federline in a matter of years. Please start making some wise investments and stop fooling yourself by banking on your looks and/or ill-gotten fame. It’s for your own good, darling.

Sincerely,

That Voice in Your Head

(F.C. Zamani)

A Letter to Natalie Portman (Creep Edition)

Dearest Natalie,

First and foremost, congratulations on winning the Oscar. I guess all those death threats I sent to the academy paid off. I know it’s been a super-busy year for you and you’re probably tired of hearing from me, restraining orders say more than you ever had to. I just wanted to get this off my chest once and for all, I love you Natalie. Your beauty captivates me and you’re everything a man would ever look for in a woman. You're an animal rights activist, a Harvard graduate and an amazing actress. Now you can add “academy award winner” to that list. Aside from my “persuasion” to the academy, you totally deserve the Oscar. You are one of the hardest working women in the industry; your commitment to such roles as V for Vendetta, where you actually shaved your head for the part. You never cease to amaze me Natalie, which makes your current affairs even harder to bear. Word on the street is that you’re soon to be married and are already with child, and it burns my insides with such intensity. So much of me wants you to be happy; which I’m sure you are, but that other part of me says that you’ll only be happy with me. The few friends that I have often tell me I’m delusional, and they’re partially correct. I am honestly trying with all of my being to let go of this fantasy, and I know it’s not an overnight process. I wish I could avoid seeing you on the screen, but that’s impossible. For now, I’m going to ease up on my “obsession” with you and try to live what “normal” life I can. Despite being pregnant and engaged, I want you to keep my number in your back pocket, just in case…

Love (from a distance),

Superfan (F.C. Zamani)